Friday, January 16, 2015

My Angel: Walking through Miscarriage

My dear friends,
As you know I took quite a lengthy hiatus from posting. It was not because I wanted to. I love sharing my looks and ideas and thoughts with you. And I love having you share with me. I missed it so much.

I have a story to tell. One that is not pleasant to remember but one that I feel maybe able to resonate with someone who needs to hear it.

In early August, soon after my husband and I got back from our anniversary trip to Savannah, I learned that I was pregnant. It wasn't a planned pregnancy but we were thrilled just the same. We were both in a place where kids would be a welcome change rather than a disastrous one. It was still pretty terrifying. Everyday of my pregnancy, I thought about how my own childhood seemed only a few years removed. Surely we were not old enough to be raising a human by ourselves!

It didn't even seem real at first. In the early stages, it seemed like nothing had changed.  And then we saw the ultrasounds. There was something, somewhat human looking growing inside me. We saw it developing. Growing bigger until we could make out the head and hands and saw it move. And it was ours. The heartbeat was so rapid it was scary but was also the most beautiful thing we had ever heard. We were going to be parents. And this was our baby.

I did not have an enjoyable pregnancy. After the 6 week mark I threw up every single day. Multiple times a day. I lost so much weight my OB/GYN had to put me on medicine so I could retain nutrients. But the baby continued to grow as did I. It's one of the weirdest feelings to touch a pudgy looking stomach only to feel how firm it is. I won't lie. I displayed my bump proudly. And was already planning what outfits I could blog about after I felt better. All of our friends and family were just as excited to see my bump getting bigger.

Then after 4 months of doctor's visits and planning and dreaming, she was gone. My friends, I pray you never have to experience a pain like that. Those first few days were so dark the most I can remember is sadness. Deep sadness. My heart hurt and I felt an emptiness that I had never felt before. I still feel it today. I miss her so much. I miss her tiny flutters that only I could feel. I miss the sickness that reminded me that she was still growing. I miss counting down the days when I would finally see her smile up at me. I miss our future together as a family.

My beautiful baby girl is now in the arms of Jesus. As much as I wish she was still here with me, I know I will get to meet her one day. We will get our time together to laugh and talk and love.

I have to tell you that I wouldn't have been able to get through this time of sorrow without the people in my life. My friends, family, and dear husband have loved me and carried me through this. They had the strength that I so desperately needed but did not posses. They also gave me hope of future children while treasuring the memory of my darling Aly. I cannot begin to express my gratitude.

This is where I end my story. Thanks so much for sticking through it. I try to keep it pretty light on this blog but I thought I would share this part of my life because so many women suffer a loss like this in silence. I don't know if any of you have experienced something similar but I want to let you know that I understand. I'm here and I'll listen.

Thanks for reading,

1 comment:

  1. I can't even imagine going through something like this, and I applaud you for being brave enough to share your story. Praying for continued peace and healing for you and your hubby, dear one!


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